Thursday, January 29, 2009

Weight Gain for the Soul

No, this isn't a book from the authors of Chicken Soup for the Soul, but it would make a great title wouldn't it?? This is about my personal spiritual journey of late, that I am experiencing day by day. First of all, I need to explain things.

I was raised a devout Catholic until I was about 20 years old. Not the kind that goes to church on Sunday's and Ash Wednesdays and such, but it was the religion both my parents raised me on. I didn't know there was anything else out there.

Then I met my first husband who was a Born Again Christian that attended a pretty fanatic church. For some reason something clicked for me, perhaps it was all the stuff that they talked about when it came to the devil and demons since during my highschool years I was fascinated by Witchcraft, but not for the reasons of getting back at jilted loves or at friends that wronged me. Little did I know what I was curiously getting my self and soul into. Until that life changing moment when I gave up my life to Jesus Christ at a youth service, I wouldn't have believed half the stuff in my blog.

Something changed that day, I felt a whole lot lighter, physically, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders that I had been carrying. Picture if you will, a huge boulder tied around my neck is about the feeling I had. I had such low self esteem growing up you couldn't measure how low to the ground I had come. My father and all the men in my life had managed to convinced me that would be as high as I could go. I deserved to be that way. It was my fault, or so I believed.

I had a pretty strong faith in the Lord for almost 2 years solid and would fall away and then come back. Pretty much the story for most Christians. Until my ex-husband found a new love for his future, and I was left alone without any hope, except Jesus. He never left me. I laid in bed one day contemplating suicide and taking pills one by one, every hour. I had convinced myself that all those men and what they had sold to me for so long was really true. I would never be a strong person and would always need a man to make me feel whole. I was worthless.I would never amount to anything. I was a failure. So I made an agreement that night, that I would pop a pill every hour until someone cared enough to pick up the phone and call me. I think I even clued God into that agreement even though he already knew. Trust me, life in the deepest, darkest pit of your soul and sinking farther than you ever thought you could possibly go in this life is nothing compared to actually being in the place. I think you stand at the crossroads at your life with a literal life or death decision.

Thankfully four hours into my quest, someone called. No one knew what I was doing because I felt utterly ashamed at even thinking this, but I honestly didn't care anymore. I was like on auto pilot and sat there all day crying, sobbing, and laying in bed. NO ONE knew! Just me and God. Thankfully that person was my current husband now, Steve. At the time, he was just a good friend that worked with me. He had no idea what was going on, but he took the time to listen to me cry and pour out my problems. It was at that moment that God reached down through Steve and offered me a way out of the hole I committed myself to. Years later I told Steve of that time and how he literally saved my life without knowing it. Thankfully I never went through that again, thanks to my renewed hope in God.

I have recently recommitted my life to God with Steve's help even though I had never lost my initial relationship but I certainly had quite a few things to clean up. First of all, my initial assessment of my life from men's perspectives, wasn't there fault, it was my own for believing their lies. Now I was determined to change my inner thinking. I had to release that burden to God since I was tired of that boulder being around my neck again of self doubt and self worth. I have learned through my husband how to really trust and love again. I have put God first in my life and that alone has done wonders for me. Next I put my husband's needs and then my kids! You've got to set up your priorities right and try your best to keep them there.

I have also learned how to recognize those signs when I hear others in the same dark pit. Oh I can remember that place all too well and God has blessed me with this so I can try and save people on that very place where I stood. Let's call it the crossroad to Hell, because once you make that decision I believe the devil stands there waiting to make sure you follow your decision by feeding you exactly what you believe you have to hear in your thoughts. You're not worthy, no one really cares about you, I bet that they won't even miss me when I gone or maybe they will and then they will be sorry.

Yeah right, wake up and smell the literal coffee! It's time we gain some weight for our soul and take the right steps to make a better decision to choose life. It won't be easy and sure taking the shortcuts may or may not make it better, but in the end, you will have to make an account for all the things you have thought, done and didn't do to God and I want to make sure that every day until that day, I don't have to feel ashamed anymore for my faith in Him or be embarrassed by watching my life's movie with Him. I want him to be proud of me, like any child would want their parents to be of them.

So don't be so quick to dismiss some of your mistakes in life, whether you feel ashamed or not, God will use those circumstances to help you bring another to Him and finally home! Every action we make, has to filter through God's hands so He is completely aware and waiting for you to come back to Him. He is never ashamed of you and never will be. Just say you're sorry and try not to do it again. He will use you for His glory anyway!

Isn't He amazing??!!!

No comments: