Faith Forever Changed

Growing up my whole life, I lived in dread of coming down with some skin rash my parents couldn't identify or some bump under my skin that I didn't understand how it got there or even what it was.

So as a child growing up you did what any child does when they need an answer to a question, you go ask your parents?

Since most kids look to their fathers as being the supreme expert in knowledge of all things, I took most of my questions directly to him.

His answer was always the same. "Never seen anything like that before, must be cancer."

These were generally the same reply I got most times I went to him for anything, It was always cancer. As a child growing up in the early 70's not too much was known about cancer except that when people got it, they generally died.

So my premise started at a young age that if I had something wrong with my body that I could explain, it must be cancer and I would die.

So I stopped asking what was wrong with me. I avoided the doctors at times I should have been seen for so many things. So many earlier choices could have lead to a much easier childhood into adulthood and into raising my own kids.

However never once did that feeling ever creep into my child's unknown bumps, rashes or illnesses, that fear stayed buried deep inside me.

I was doomed to die of cancer it just hadn't been discovered yet.

So after experiencing unexplained pain in my abdomen for so many years I finally sought out professional help from a qualified doctor, while holding the hand of my hubby for moral support.

Most of the times the answers were always the same, it's nothing, perfectly normal for a woman of your "age", "height", "weight", "time in life", "number of kids" you name it. But no one failed to explain what it was, why I was having it and how to get rid of it.

For 11 years, and more OB GYN's than I can care to count, I was medicated to the point I consider myself a medication connoisseur. I can tell you how pain medications rank in order of what is the most strongest to where doctors are satisfying your need for pain medication and just giving you plain old aspirin labeled as something else.

It wasn't until I went through a complete cycle of 3 OB GYN's in the last 5 months starting on November 19, 2009 and it ended when I discovered hope in March 25, 2010. I met Dr. Allan Akerman from Orange, CA from my sisters referral, that who Dr. Allan has been all this time.

If you google him you will discover he has his own blog and not only that won an award recently for best bedside manners for a doctor. He was the only doctor in 11 years that diagnosed me with not having a "normal" life. After seeing so many and being told there was nothing to be done, I didn't give up. I tried one last doctor and felt divinely led at that point.

He was genuine and really listened. He took all my previous stacks of medical tests and history from me for almost 6 years and said while they are important he wanted to run his own tests and see the results for himself. Within less than 2 months, we had surgery scheduled to remove my uterus to eliminate 11 years of out of control monthly cycles that revolved around me needing to be home for at least 3-4 days each month because things were that out of control.

He also stated that while he was in there, he would do some exploratory work to see what is going on in the inside to cause so much constant pain for these last 5 months to see what the tests couldn't tell. There is the result of my endometriosis build up of 11 years worth and removal of my left ovary as well.

So what does this have to do with faith? During this whole ordeal I kept thinking they would find cancer when they got inside and saw what had been plaguing my life for so many years.

Since this was my first real surgery, I thought I would die and never wake up. So for the last 30 days I prepared everything just in case I never woke up. However in the middle of sleepless nights, God and I got real close. Closer than we had over those many years.

I never entered into an agreement of sorts with God, where you say, Hey God if you just allow me to get through this, you can do whatever you want with the rest of my life, just save me this once, PLEEEASSE!

Nope, but in receiving a book exactly 30 to the date of my surgery by Shelia Walsh called Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God and I sat down to read it as I got the news that surgery was scheduled. I read it in a matter of hours and it really felt as if God was speaking to me through the pages of that book.

It's what had been missing in my personal walk with God, trust that He could really work in my life if I just had enough faith! But did I? I thought I did. I mean seriously how could you really know?

I attended church like I should, prayed like I should, read my Bible like I should, believed like I thought I should, and even loved at times like I thought God would want, yet something was still missing.

My faith! It said to me, I believe you can do it if you want to God and I am OK with it if you don't, but whatever you want to do is fine. Yet it wasn't.

I wanted God to heal me. I wanted God to provide the peace that literally surpasses all understanding. I wanted to have faith that would move mountains, but I lacked belief.

I knew God could do it but I doubted His reasons for possibly not wanting to. See faith for me is praying for an umbrella and just because it looks as if there was no sign of rain anywhere, why pack the umbrella?

Yet what faith really means, is that if you pray for rain, carry the umbrella. You have to believe it to be true. God can always change His mind, but the belief must still be there.

So now my belief has changed because between God and I during those weeks before surgery and unbeknownst to anyone, I panicked but I stepped out in faith, no matter how afraid I was that the answer to my prayer may not be the one I wanted. I prayed anyway. That morning when I drove to the hospital, I did not fear. I took captive all those silly little thoughts from the enemy and bound them captive and took them before my Father's feet and handed them over. I told God, these must not be from me, because I know that are not from YOU. You only mean what is good and righteous and true. These thoughts are none of those.

So I beheld in those final hours before surgery the unconditional love of my Father, I was held and rocked in the perfect peace that surpasses all understanding, I was looked down upon in a perfect light and confessed all my sins to my loving Abba Father and submitted my soul, my will, my strength, my love, my spirit and my heart to Him. Whatever His plans would be for me in the next few hours I would soon know but I rested in His assurance that they would be great!

I remember having a vision that night before my surgery as I knew so many of you were sending up prayer upon prayer to our heavenly Father for my needs that day. And it was amazing. I saw myself in a dark place surrounded by rain that was lit up as it ascended from earth to the Heavens and I saw all those prayers. It was like standing in a pouring rain but it was going up instead of down and each of those lighted raindrops were your prayers.

I prayed for rain and took my umbrella.

My faith is forever changed.