A Tough Call

I have felt led in the last 24 hours by the Holy Spirit based on so many testimonies that I have read not only in the blogging world but in the news as well.

It leads me to share not only my own testimony in a particular area of my past to hopefully help someone in the same situation or perhaps someone that they know.
It deals with a very painful and shameful subject for me. It deals with abortion.

At 17, I thought I knew everything I needed to know as a high school teenager in a relationship with a boy for over a year. A boy I loved, in every sense of the word, that I knew it at the time. Someone I gave my heart to!

Someone I thought I would marry.

Someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I woke up to what should have been a normal high school morning and I found out one morning that I was pregnant.

No amount of tears could ever be collected to show just how much I wish crying could erase everything in my life at that moment.

In an instant, my life changed. Forever.

My boyfriend offered his sympathy, but ultimately after the tears and sobs stopped, the question lingered.

"You aren’t going to keep it right?"

"You’re going to do the right thing and get rid of it right?"

"We’re only teenagers and not ready to be parents, you see that right?"

Even though these words came from the mouth of my boyfriend, it would take me many years later to see that they came from the enemy instead.

Of course at 17, I wasn’t prepared to have a baby much less raise one for the rest of my life.

At 14, my mom gave birth to my youngest sister, and it subsequently fell to me to raise her while my mom returned to work. She was a single mom at the time.

So I had spent the last three years, learning what it’s like to raise a baby and hating every minute of it. I had the diaper changes and feedings and constant care. I mean where was my life headed. What about my time?

Thankfully mom took care of the nights, so I didn’t see the things parents deal with at night or when you are at school. When it doesn’t end, the caring of a newborn.

I had already made a decision that day.

I was too young.

I didn’t want to share it with anyone.

I didn’t have an open relationship with my parents to discuss this.

My parents would have probably forced me to keep the baby, but if I didn’t tell them, they would never know.

So I hid my problem. My boyfriend worked, so he paid for my procedure. Let’s call it that for now. It still shames me to hear the word abortion and me in the same sentence.

I was wide-awake for the whole thing.

It was the most horrible thing a woman will ever have to deal with in her life.
No brochures, conversations, or videos can ever explain how you will feel when you go through it.

Besides the physical pain, you know without a doubt what you are doing.
You are ending a life inside you.

You made a choice to have sex and the consequence was pregnancy.

Now you have the choice to deal with it or run and hide.

I hid.

Once the procedure was over, I cried.

I cried for the pain I felt physically but more for the pain I felt emotionally and mentally.

I cried for the life I had taken so easily without a second thought.

I still cry for that life. A child that would be 28 today.

A child I will see again.

I wasn’t a Christian then.

My parents weren’t a religious family.

I have no excuse, what I did will live for me forever.

You will never get over it. You will never forget it.

But since I found God, He forgave me for it.

He took away my grief, my shame and my sadness for that life.

He cleaned me and made me whole again.

He covers my ears, so that I am no longer reminded by the enemy of my shame and shortcoming as a woman.

I shared this personal story today, because I believe it’s time for Christians to stand up for their beliefs. It was time for me to share something of my faith, because I believe people need to see Christians as something other than perfect and never doing anything wrong in their lives.

They need to know how our lives are different and how Jesus can change us. Make us better people because of His love.

I don’t support abortion and would strongly advise any option besides that one. Why?
Because I don’t want anyone to suffer the pain I still feel 28 years later, even though Jesus has forgive me.

I know some that stop by here will judge me. You have every right to do so. However, I believe God uses our circumstances to reach out to a hurting person and can say, "I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I can help you. Will you let me?"

God uses everything that happens to us for the good of reaching people that are hurting. People that don’t want to be judged. People that think so far less of themselves than they should. People that have no one. God uses people like me to reach people like you.

I share it because I have been there and can tell you, it’s not worth it. Jesus is! If you know someone who is considering abortion or you, who is reading this, just passing through is, please, stop.

Pray and ask God for help. This is not God’s answer to the problem. It’s the enemies! Don’t run away. Seek help in the Christian community and find a church. Talk to a pastor. Ask for help! You can even email me direct and I will talk to you. You are not alone! You are not worthless but worthy!

There is someone there that is just waiting for you to help you. Don’t forget God loves you and will be with you every step of the way. You will never face anything alone, ever again. I hope this has helped you.