Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A Tough Call



I have felt led in the last 24 hours by the Holy Spirit based on so many testimonies that I have read not only in the blogging world but in the news as well.

It leads me to share not only my own testimony in a particular area of my past to hopefully help someone in the same situation or perhaps someone that they know.
It deals with a very painful and shameful subject for me. It deals with abortion.

At 17, I thought I knew everything I needed to know as a high school teenager in a relationship with a boy for over a year. A boy I loved, in every sense of the word, that I knew it at the time. Someone I gave my heart to!

Someone I thought I would marry.

Someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I woke up to what should have been a normal high school morning and I found out one morning that I was pregnant.

No amount of tears could ever be collected to show just how much I wish crying could erase everything in my life at that moment.

In an instant, my life changed. Forever.

My boyfriend offered his sympathy, but ultimately after the tears and sobs stopped, the question lingered.

"You aren’t going to keep it right?"

"You’re going to do the right thing and get rid of it right?"

"We’re only teenagers and not ready to be parents, you see that right?"

Even though these words came from the mouth of my boyfriend, it would take me many years later to see that they came from the enemy instead.

Of course at 17, I wasn’t prepared to have a baby much less raise one for the rest of my life.

At 14, my mom gave birth to my youngest sister, and it subsequently fell to me to raise her while my mom returned to work. She was a single mom at the time.

So I had spent the last three years, learning what it’s like to raise a baby and hating every minute of it. I had the diaper changes and feedings and constant care. I mean where was my life headed. What about my time?

Thankfully mom took care of the nights, so I didn’t see the things parents deal with at night or when you are at school. When it doesn’t end, the caring of a newborn.

I had already made a decision that day.

I was too young.

I didn’t want to share it with anyone.

I didn’t have an open relationship with my parents to discuss this.

My parents would have probably forced me to keep the baby, but if I didn’t tell them, they would never know.

So I hid my problem. My boyfriend worked, so he paid for my procedure. Let’s call it that for now. It still shames me to hear the word abortion and me in the same sentence.

I was wide-awake for the whole thing.

It was the most horrible thing a woman will ever have to deal with in her life.
No brochures, conversations, or videos can ever explain how you will feel when you go through it.

Besides the physical pain, you know without a doubt what you are doing.
You are ending a life inside you.

You made a choice to have sex and the consequence was pregnancy.

Now you have the choice to deal with it or run and hide.

I hid.

Once the procedure was over, I cried.

I cried for the pain I felt physically but more for the pain I felt emotionally and mentally.

I cried for the life I had taken so easily without a second thought.

I still cry for that life. A child that would be 28 today.

A child I will see again.

I wasn’t a Christian then.

My parents weren’t a religious family.

I have no excuse, what I did will live for me forever.

You will never get over it. You will never forget it.

But since I found God, He forgave me for it.

He took away my grief, my shame and my sadness for that life.

He cleaned me and made me whole again.

He covers my ears, so that I am no longer reminded by the enemy of my shame and shortcoming as a woman.

I shared this personal story today, because I believe it’s time for Christians to stand up for their beliefs. It was time for me to share something of my faith, because I believe people need to see Christians as something other than perfect and never doing anything wrong in their lives.

They need to know how our lives are different and how Jesus can change us. Make us better people because of His love.

I don’t support abortion and would strongly advise any option besides that one. Why?
Because I don’t want anyone to suffer the pain I still feel 28 years later, even though Jesus has forgive me.

I know some that stop by here will judge me. You have every right to do so. However, I believe God uses our circumstances to reach out to a hurting person and can say, "I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I can help you. Will you let me?"

God uses everything that happens to us for the good of reaching people that are hurting. People that don’t want to be judged. People that think so far less of themselves than they should. People that have no one. God uses people like me to reach people like you.

I share it because I have been there and can tell you, it’s not worth it. Jesus is! If you know someone who is considering abortion or you, who is reading this, just passing through is, please, stop.

Pray and ask God for help. This is not God’s answer to the problem. It’s the enemies! Don’t run away. Seek help in the Christian community and find a church. Talk to a pastor. Ask for help! You can even email me direct and I will talk to you. You are not alone! You are not worthless but worthy!

There is someone there that is just waiting for you to help you. Don’t forget God loves you and will be with you every step of the way. You will never face anything alone, ever again. I hope this has helped you.

12 comments:

Andrea said...

Sweet one...you are wrong about one thing. NOONE has the right to judge you. That is GOD's job and clearly HE has already forgiven you. I pray HE will continue to heal your heart. I thank you for sharing your heart with everyone who will read your blog. You are an amazing woman and GOD will continue to use you in ways beyond your comprehension. I, too believe GOD uses the circumstances in our lives to help others. Thank you, dear friend for being the LIVING VESSEL GOD created you to be.
Blessings and prayers, andrea

Prairie Girl said...

Tears fall as I write. Because you are brave and bold enough to share your story. It will reach others. Because as painful as it is - I agree that God uses circumstances that were influenced by the enemy for His glory. But it still hurts.

And just like you implore others to consider their worth - know you are worthy. The Lord gives beauty for your ashes. You are a daughter of the King. Through grace, we are redeemed.

May the Lord's love rest heavy on you this day.

RCUBEs said...

I have a lump in my throat reading your powerful testimony sister Kat! Though the Holy Spirit nudged you to write about this, I am really humbled with the courage and boldness you had shown, and the willingness you had shown to follow the Spirit's leading. I know it wasn't easy.
That's what's so awesome with our forgiving God, He even uses our mistakes to be an inspiration or comfort to those who will need it. But only if you are willing to do so and you did!
I pray that many who are thinking about opting for abortion, will have a chance to read your post and really think about not doing it.
God bless you sister Kat and through your sharing, I pray that you will have closure and healing as you give this to the Lord's hands. Love you in Christ.-Rosel

christy rose said...

Kat,

You are amazing to share your story of pain and guilt here today. I know it is going to make a difference in everyone who reads it. And to know the mercy and forgiveness of our God and His restoration is the greatest victory of it all!

God Bless you today!

girlinaglasshouse said...

Thank you for sharing this. As a post abortion counselor in the past, I know in my deepest part that what you have written is the experience of thousands who are sitting in churches today...feeling guilty...feeling dirty. What you have done in your honesty is freeing for those who live enslaved by guilt. This was an important post.

Laurie said...

Wow sister! I applaud your courage and honesty. I, too, read your testimony with tears in my eyes. Many share your story. I did not get pregnant as a teen, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt if I had gotten pregnant, I would have gotten rid of the baby. I thought I was pregnant one time and my friend took my to an abortion clinic, but I wasn't pregnant. I know God will use your testimony. And, Andrea is right- no one has the right to judge- and ALL have sinned and fall short of God's glory. I also know God's forgiveness is complete and your sins were no worst than mine or any one else's. I am so thankful that you shared this. Opportunitites have come up for me through the years to try to dissuade young girls from abortion. They need to hear your message. We all do. God bless you dear sister. Love you, Laurie

Warren Baldwin said...

What a great service you have done for other women, young girls, and even boyfriends, in sharing this story. Very well written but, even more importantly, very heart-felt.

On my other blog, Bible Fountain, I have longer articles than on Family Fountain. The top article right now is "East From West." I'd like to invite you to that one for a read.

God bless, and thanks for sharing this. wb

.:*Beautiful Self*:. said...

Good Afternoon!
Please stop by my blog - I have a little "something, something" for you...! :)
http://wheresinabounded.blogspot.com/
~ Heather ;D

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LisaShaw said...

I cried as I read as I embrace you as one who knows the horrific pain on many levels of an abortion. You were 17 and I was 25. Our reasons may be different but our actions the same. I embrace you sweetie as you take your stand in speaking out and helping others as I and many others walk that same road.

The forgiveness, healing and wholeness that comes from the grace and mercy of OUR GOD is amazing isn't it!!! HE IS AMAZING!

May the Lord wrap His arms around you and shelter you from the sting of those who may not understand and may satan flee as you continue to submit your ENTIRE life to the service of the LORD. You are special to me!

LisaShaw said...

Sweetie can you email me? I don't see a way to reach you. I want to add you to something and I need to talk to you about it.

lisashawcares@cfl.rr.com

Jennifer said...

I can promise you one thing...when you are obedient to God and do what you are led to do by the Holy Spirit...you will never regret it. God will bless you for your obedience and your transparency on a very difficult story to share.

I will never judge you and no one else has the right to either. We all have something in our past that we are ashamed of. Sin is sin no matter what we have done or how the world see it...in God's eyes...it is all the same.

I am praying that your story will touch so many lives and God will richly bless you, my sweet friend!!!

((hugs))