Decision Made

Well to say that yesterday was a bad day is 100% true if you are discussing my level of pain. I was a solid 7 most of the day and at some point I relented to take a half of a Norco because it usually eases the pain. It took the edge of but not enough to where I could function normally, or as well as I can under these circumstances.

I hate this part of my life.

I know God will bring glory to His name in all of these much like the apostle Paul begged three times for his issue to be taken from him and God told him no in the nicest possible way. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, " But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Hard to imagine gaining strength through this but it takes all that I have not to lash out to anyone who is close to me, because I don't do pain well. I guess let me rephrase that, I can tolerate pain up to a point and then it becomes too much for me and I get frustrated because there is nothing I can do to find the slightest bit of comfort in all of this. 

I can't schedule a hair appointment because I'm not sure if it will be a good day, pain level 3, or a bad day pain level 7 and above. So my life in a nutshell has been staying within 10-15 minutes from home. Just taking a walk through the grocery store is horrible. I hate the way I feel and as I look around me, I can't be but envious of those who aren't dealing with this. A silent pain. One that shows no outward signs of what is happening on the inside. 

Last night I tried everything, from hot water bottles, Xanax, anti-inflammatories, pain meds, to all the comfort foods that is suppose to calm the irritation. I finally gave up by 8pm and opted to double my dose of Elavil based on people who have flare ups will double their dose and in the morning will feel much better. 

This morning I did feel a bit better, but that is the thing, mornings are generally good for me, but by the end of the day I am done. Like stick a fork in me done. So after some consideration and talking with family and friends I am going forward with the scope. I did get my urine culture results back from Monday and that is NO infection. I think I already knew it would rule that one out. Seeing as I have had 7 of them with all the same results over the last 67 days. I need some answers that I can't find right now. I would hate to think that it might be something that they can treat and I can move forward on all this and not look back. 

The scope won't really confirm IC, but it will rule out the things its not, like stones, ulcers, and other maladies of the bladder and urethra, but I need more answers than I have right now and it will also give me time to discuss pain options with my doctor to see if there is something I can take that will curb the pain level NOW, while I'm waiting for the Elavil to take effect. For some it happens right away and for others it happens over time. I've only been on it for a week. 

Thank you to those that I was able to chat with via Facebook messenger or the phone that have given me things to consider about having this done. At least with it out of the way, managing treatment now becomes the one priority to deal with instead of merely guessing about what it could be. 

I could definitely use prayer tomorrow. First of all, always, that God removes all traces of pain and heals whatever this is. Secondly, that I will have peace during the procedure and no pain. Finally, that in this process I will have a definitive answer and hopefully one that allows it to be treated and for me to move forward without having to deal with this.