Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Waiting in Anger


This has truly been a tough two days. You know how it goes, just when you think you got life down part, something happens to completely upset your way of doing things and that once routine way of getting through the day is one big mess!

Well that's been the turmoil in my days after a particularily spiritually dry time. I am sure you've all experienced those too. Those days when reading the Bible and even praying just seems like you're going through the motions but your heart just isn't in it, but you do it anyway because you know you should.

On Monday night, after a long eight hours of work, my hubby was called in to work that night adding to his growing work hours to do an emergency call. The trouble was, he was knee deep in a project already and had to put that aside to leave and head into LA but not before stopping quite a few times to pick up supplies. We could both see it was going to be a long night already.

Not only that, he was going to work with my brother who can be a rough challenge to deal with on his good days. Those two would be working together and it wasn't something either of us was looking to. Let's put it this way, he has a bit of an Eeyore personality that can suck all your emotions completely dry. When he is in a bad mood, everyone knows it. He's just not pleasant to be around. But he is trying to change according to him. It's this negativity that most people try to flee from and it's impacting his job. So he is attempting to change.

Unfortunately that night I got to talk to him and had to deal with Mr. Change. He is a very controlling personality and likes to control the conversation. He will tell you whether or not you have deviated from the topic in hopes of corralling you right back, unfortunately I don't like to be told how to have a conversation, so with him I completely and utterly lost it. I think all those dry days of just taking it all in and dealing with it internally, came pouring out. We literally verbally fought it out for an hour.

My poor hubby didn't even know that anything had transpired by the time he arrived to meet him for work, and during the duration of the time the two worked together nothing came out. However I tried in vain to bury all that emotion inside, knowing that Steve's birthday was the next day. I tried to call him and just have a different perspective on the emotions that were truly at this point running my day and making me physically sick. Only Steve didn't call back.

When his evening finally ended and he did call, I wasn't ready to talk to him and just explained I would talk when he got home. During that time, I asked God how to deal with this situation. I never really got an answer but tried to keep my emotions in check and when Steve arrived home, I told him everything that had happened. Needless to say, he was pretty upset because he knows how cruel my brother can be. He was angry because he didn't even know any of this had transpired.

That's when emotion struck and I let him have it too. I explained that having to work in the communications field made him a poor communicator because he can't even talk to his wife on the phone. Let's just say that this conversation was not going well. For two hours we fought it out.

Can you see where all this is going? I've learned a valuable lesson that I have to let the fire of anger burn out before talking about it. I am trying to learn how to not let my emotions run away with things and put it on the back burner but for me, my emotions are a way of who I am. They influence me in more ways than I care to count.

The birthday yesterday went ok, and we had to stay at home, due to the nature of his work, could require him to be called to work at any time. It took me most of the day to let all the anger to leave so we could actually enjoy Steve's birthday. We all took him to dinner last night and it was a better evening.

I just wanted to share with all of you, my ability to fall short and not be the perfect Christian. I don't know if anything else would have worked out differently. I am still in the process of defining boundaries with people that try to take too much of my time and really work on rebuilding our relationship that took a terrible beating last year. It's a work in progress but if you could pray for us, for wisdom and protection from the enemy, I'd appreciate it. For now, I am drawing closer to God and seeking His help!

22 comments:

Denise said...

Praying and loving you sis.

SusanD said...

Dear Kat, I know you're on a 30 day trek to spend 15 min a day with God. The minute we start to spend more time in the Word and strengthen our relationship with the Lord, Satan attacks. That mean liar doesn't want us to spend time getting stronger, or closer, or wiser. That mean liar wants us to stay right where we are. AND, anytime that mean liar can stir up strife in a marriage, he is just too darn gleeful. Take heart and dig in. You're obviously doing something right. Praying here, for you there. Blessings, SusanD

Parsley said...

WE all have those days. Chin up...things will be alright.

Marydon said...

Mercy me! I do send my heart to you right now, been there & done that ...

Glad the birthday went better for you all.
Love & prayers, Kat ~
Have a beautiful day ~
TTFN ~ Hugs, Marydon

Gods Little People said...

I'd say, try and not come too hard down on yourself. Remember you've been caught up in someone elses extreme emotion so detract at least 50% of the "beating yourself over the head". But I agree that it's a good idea to not engage with others where there could be a potential fall out just after having had one onself. We only end up taking it out on someone who's usually clueless.

The beauty of the situation lies in the want to become a better person and always refining. There would only be reason for serious concern if we gave up on that!

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) Keeping you in my prayers.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

When you are dealing with someone that wants to control the conversation, like your brother, it will suck every last bit of emotion from you. I think you handled it well by not dumping your emotions on Steve at that moment. You meant well but in return, it snowballed into frustration with Steve. But, the real frustration wasn't with Steve but with your brother. Knowing that, you are probably learning more and more that being around toxic people will cause your relationships to be greatly affected. I'm glad that Steve's birthday was good in spite of all of that that happened.

Annesphamily said...

I have always told our children, no one is perfect, that is why Christ hung on the cross.He was sinless yet died so we could all live.
I am glad Steve's birthday went better then the time with your brother. Blessings Anne

The Notorious J.O.E. said...

During spiritually dry times I try to spend more time giving thanks for everyday little things that we overlook: a warm shower, a cozy bed, a car that gets me to work, etc.

I pray that God causes His face to shine on you and your loved ones!

Blessings!

Mari said...

It happens to all of us. I agree with Susan - Satan is attacking in a most precious area. I'll be praying for you.

Saleslady371 said...

Sending you lots of prayers and love!

Just Be Real said...

Dear one here with you and listening..... ((((Kat))))

LV said...

Sometimes it best just to let things go in this situation. The more you stir something the worse it gets. Remember you are not perfect and neither is anyone else on this earth. You are human and not alone.

RCUBEs said...

I think we all can relate because it happens to most of us. Praying for you sister Kat. May God's protection cover you all and His divine wisdom. Take care.

Alleluiabelle said...

I love you my friend and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Big Hugs,
Alleluiabelle

Dogmom Diva said...

Hey Kat, I just saw this..wow that is a lot of emotion. You did the right thing in not bombarding Steve while he was working but then it built up inside you..I will say marriage is a lot of give and take sometimes its good and sometimes not. Its how we get through the not that counts. You are fine, one of those bumps..Glad Steve had a nice birthday..Is there some way you can just avoid the brother? I have pretty much wiped the toxic folks off my dance card. Sucks too much out of me and unless the toxic person tries to change and can change, it will continue to suck the life out of ya..but then he's family. hang in there!
hugs
Barb

~*Michelle*~ said...

I, too.....am in the desert and longing to find my way out. I just posted about how this is the perfect time for the enemy to attack as well.....

will be praying for you, my friend.

And I love how you are so honest,...remember, today is a new day.

{{{hugs}}}

Sharlyn Guthrie said...

I'm glad you two talked it out, prayed about it, and went on to enjoy the birthday. Every relationship has its ups and downs, even the one we have with God. Of course in that relationship, I'm the one that tends to change and stray. He never does. Keep trusting and holding on.

NanaNor's said...

Good morning Kat, I think that you and I should be prayer pals cause I've had one of those weeks too....ugh! I so related to your feelings in this post and wish we could just sit before the throne together. Things are a jumble here and I just have to keep looking heavenward in trust.
Blessings & prayers,
Noreen
p.s. feel free to email me if you need more specific prayer.

LisaShaw said...

Wrapping my arms around you with a prayer for you and your hubby and also for your brother.

You are loved!

Steph T. said...

Thanks for being so transparent & honest with us. I am praying for you.

Mrs.B said...

Oooo...I have to agree with SusanD! I prayed for you! God is faithful!...and...I SO understand about your emotions. God Bless!