Sunday, March 15, 2009

Out of Touch But Not Out of My Mind!

Sorry for those of you that have been following my blog. I guess I feel like an addict that has fallen off the wagon. It started with a bad 45th birthday for me. My hubby was still out of town for work and somehow I had it deep in my heart that possibly he may just sneak home as a surprise and not tell me.

However the 8am phone call the morning of March 3rd, confirmed my sadness and disappointment, that like my 11th year anniversary, my birthday would be pretty much the same thing. On one end of the phone line, was a very sleepy and overly tired husband who wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday before he went to sleep that morning. He works from about 9pm to 8am every night. No days off. I couldn't begin to explain to you what I was feeling at that particular moment, and I often admire women who can hold their tongue until they process their feelings and emotions. It's a bit of a fog now, but I believe I said some really harsh things, and hung up on him.

You know in that small silence you are experiencing at that moment, so much happens in that time. Tears pour from your eyes, thoughts come into your head that it's so not fair, anger begins to burn up inside, nothing is worth this, and all hope seems lost. Throughout the day, I heard God's voice speaking to me, but I was too proud and hurt to listen. I wanted to handle my day. It was supposed to be special. It was suppose to mean something. It was the celebration of the day, God created me to be a unique being. I wanted that acknowledgment. I wasn't getting it from my husband so I felt it was going to mean anything coming from anyone else. My friends called all day to wish me birthday greetings, but I just screened calls. The only thing in my mind to make it right, was my husband wasn't going to be with me.

My brothers, opinion, also hubby's boss, said to celebrate it when the job is complete in about 4-8 weeks. That's a solution? I never thought I would feel so out of touch, lost and hopeless.

Gifts arrived from hubby all day, first flowers that a friend had been asked to purchase and deliver since Steve knew he wouldn't be home. I could honestly say, they didn't mean anything although the gesture from my well meaning friend, did. She is a fellow Christian, and allowed me to pour out my heart to her. It was something I needed to do. I felt much better because for once, someone understood the heart of a woman. Her hubby works from home as well but not gone for so long as mine. Hers is only gone for 4 days most weeks and within an hours drive from home, so she stays with him when she can.

Later that day, God hadn't given up on me just yet when I was reading Max Lucado's book and I came across a story about a man who was only 200 feet from the summit of Mt. Everest. He was preparing for his last climb since to make it to the summit without bad weather is a bit on the rare side. When people struggle on their way to the summit, they are often passed up by other hikes not willing to take the risk to help and forfeit their climb. Sounds a bit heartless right? Not to these men who spend years training and trying to make it. Very few despite all the attempts ever do.

On that particular day, 8 people had died and they had come across their bodies on their way to the final camp. When they were prepared to set out, they noticed a flash of yellow to their left and upon closer inspection found it to be a climber, who was thought to have died that day, hanging off a dangerous precipice. In those extreme temperatures, he wasn't going to be hanging on for much longer, and this man was faced with a choice; to forfeit his climb to the summit and save the climber, or to continue on to his only possible journey to the summit being that close. What would you have chosen?

His choice was an easy one and an easy one at that, he chose to save the climber and help him to receive help. He got the climber to medical attention by being airlifted off the mountain. His reward, well let's just say that the climber's wife appreciation to this man as well as his children was more than enough of a reward. He saved a life! Makes you wonder why so many others, chose differently.

That day, God spoke to my heart and told me, that like this climber I had a choice to make, to either stay mad at my husband, or take the better path. His words, "Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me!"

The outcome, my hubby and I didn't resolve anything that day, but we did talk. We talked about what really mattered and it was that both of us hated this situation the current economy has stuck us in. We hated the fact that not only did this job keep us from celebrating our anniversary, it also impacted my birthday as well. Every day without my hubby is a challenge. It's hard to go from spending time with someone all the time or at least the expectation that your hubby comes home every night, mine doesn't. I have had to learn to deal with life's hand without any preparation that it was coming. It was like learning to swim by being tossed in the water and told to swim or die. I guess some days I feel like dying and most of them, I am learning to swim.

If it wasn't for the support of my Christian friends, my family and God, I would definitely be sinking for sure. I would have given up since it's so much easier. However, God in His infinite wisdom, keeps His children close and constantly watches over them.

We are much better today for that difficult circumstance. With our pastor's help we have come to realize that this job is great for us financially at times, but on the back end with God, the cost is too great for this family. We are continuing to look for something that does not require my hubby to be gone from home, one that has him home at the end of the day and no traveling required. For some people, it's a no brainer. They can handle lengthy separations. For my hubby and me, we are connected too close to allow anything to come between us including this job.

In the midst of how you handle difficulties lies room for growth, and we have been growing a lot lately!

1 comment:

Andrea said...

GOD bless you for your honesty. I am sending up prayers for strength, protection, sustaining grace, and love to abound between you and your husband as you continue to seek GODS will for your lives. May GOD give you divine guidence and wisdom as you seek HIM.
Blessings and prayers, andrea