I have been in this funky, melancholy, blue, mood for little over a week now. Not quite sure just where it came from and for honesty's sake it's not a "woman thing!"
Most mornings I would wake up and just dread the thought of one more routine filled, run of the mill day that would undoubtedly wind up with the very same ending. Yet there were variations in the day but once you made that slight deviation, you fell back into that rut again.
I guess I could attribute it to a lot of things that you don't think will affect your mood, but over time, that kinda stock piles one on top of another and pretty soon, you find yourself flat on your stomach with all this extra weight on your back. You are down for the count.
Most people walk by you not noticing you beneath all that stuff you let pile up. You aren't even visible to the world outside anymore. That is why people can't find me!
So I started taking inventory of all the stuff that has gotten me down. You know the stuff, I won't confront or talk to anyone about. The stuff you get dealt and you just shove it down deep inside, perhaps you may even deal with it later.
See I have this issue with emotions. I guess that is a woman thing, but not the one I was referring to above. When I got mad in the past, I would just fling out whatever came into my mind. However, I have been praying that God would change that. Allow me some time to brew it over and then address the issue when I am more calm and emotion doesn't rule my words any longer.
What I failed to realize is how long I let things 'brew.' I couldn't even deal with one thing when another one flew in and I had to let that one brew. Pretty soon, this coffee pot was ready to explode.
All it takes is something so subtle and it's all over. Like building a house of cards and just when you get the last card in place, a wind comes along at just the right moment and you have nothing left. Just a pile of strewn cards all over the floor.
So today, I am forcing a change within me, because it's the only one I can change. I can't change others. I may be able to influence them, but the changes become permanent when they want them to be. So the only person I can work on is me.
I am tired of feeling like time is my enemy. Like I look forward to sleep because I don't have to find things to fill my day with. I feel like this is the only time left in my day for me. When people in my life move forward in their day, and I find myself alone, I will make time to do things I don't have time to do when serving others. They are not waiting for me!
So I am going to stop living life on the side lines.
I am going to stop being the person who sits by and holds every one's stuff while they go through life.
I am tired of waiting for needs to all be met so I can have time for me.
It's not a selfish stage or a me ism.
This about living life the way I believe God intended me to. Jesus certainly didn't sit down and wait for people to help. He helped them out along the way to whatever He had in mind for the day. So it shall be with me as well.
I honestly don't believe life should be miserable while we are here serving others, especially as stay at home moms.
I am tired of letting the enemy kick me down and keep me there. He has allowed me to keep shoving stuff inside and it's him that keeps adding to the pile to allow it to become so great I can't carry it any longer and it takes me out.
Jesus is waiting. He told me that He will take all of my worries and carry them for me. He will provide my needs for today if I will simply give them to Him. Now that is an offer I simply can't refuse!
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