Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Seeds of Faith and Seeds of Doubt

Do you ever have one of those days in your spiritual walk that make you wonder if you have gotten off the path and have wandered away? Those days when doubt creeps in, a heavy weight feels like it has landed on your shoulders and you just feel like crying but can't really figure out why?

What do you do?

I had one of those days and unfortunate while dealing with it, things kept happening to intensify that effect from a handful of text messages I could have dealt with better had I not been feeling that way to being asked repeatedly for help from everyone who could. Those are the days I think you are beyond feeling overwhelmed.

You are just wiped out.

Even though the days and weeks before you were doing fine, things are going along perfectly, you're reading your Bible, doing your devotions, serving to the best of your ability and then WHAM!

It's like you woke up in your body but in a different period of time.

It's like you lost that lovin feeling.

Then people will ask you "What's wrong?"

They want to know how they can help.

How can they when you can't even figure out what went wrong, what is going on and how to get over this horrible feeling of uncertainty.

I didn't even feel like listening to my praise and worship music like I do every morning when I get up. Even just the idea of celebrating Christmas left such a horrible taste in my mouth. I wanted to run away and tell everyone to just leave me alone.

But I didn't.

Because life still goes on around you even when you are dealing with something beyond the blues. People still need your input and you are called to put your emotions in check and paste on that happy face and fake it.

Not even food sounds appealing either.

I didn't even want to pick up my Bible and read my morning devotions or do my study. I didn't even want to pray. I had nothing I could think of to pray for and I certainly didn't want to talk about what I was feeling, because I didn't know myself.

I even tried to speculate what it might be but honestly, I could probably chalk it up to a series of things coupled with lack of sleep and being so worn out in serving everyone I had nothing left to give.

Perhaps that is why Jesus often went away to just spend time with his Father, to pray. To revive; to be filled with the Spirit so He could give more of himself away.

Add to that mix spiritual warfare at its finest.

The enemy is like that.

Wanting to take advantage of the situation. To keep us down.

So I did what anyone does.

I cried.

A lot.

I told myself I didn't want to feel this way and I will not be ruled by my lying feelings. I prayed and asked God for help. He didn't answer right away. In fact it took til this morning to feel any better at all.

I read my Bible despite being so torn in my mood that I couldn't even pay attention to what I was reading. I found a lot of wisdom in the day however.

During my study of what I was supposed to be reading. I came across the story of Michael and Satan arguing about the condition of Moses body and rather than argue with Satan of lying about it, Michael simply stated, The Lord rebuke you, and he left the judgment of Satan up to God.

I didn't remember this until late last night I thought more about how bad my day was going but that in the past, I may have lashed out at the first person who made me made and let them have it. But I didn't.

I didn't even talk to people who had made me mad to tell them how I felt. I simply chose to be quiet. Quite out of the norm for me as well. I will  usually confront issues rather than wait.

In the midst of my reflection I realized how very much God did answer my prayer, just not in the way I had imagined.

He never left my side even though the feelings persisted.

I could take joy in noting how far I had grown in my spiritual walk this year because I am doing things He would be proud of. My small harvest of spiritual seeds of faith.

Confessing things I am afraid of saying.

Doing the right thing despite how I feel.

Praying first instead of as a last resort.

Controlling my tongue in anger.

Letting rumors lie.

In the end, it wouldn't have been the way I would have handled things. In fact during my last plea to God last night knowing I was facing a spiritual attack, I simply called out, "The Lord rebuke you." The voices of torment went away and I feel into a deep sleep.

This morning I can still feel the effects of yesterday as they tried to rage again but I was able to push it away. Today is a better day.

Today I got through the storm that sought to overcome me, and like I learned yesterday....

You can't stumble if you aren't walking or running in the race for God.

Yes....I'm doing something right. I'm definitely seeing my growth in God and it's a great thing. One that makes me smiling just thinking about it. I got a long way to go, but as long as I am walking, I am moving in the right direction.

Next time the enemy rages against you planting seeds of doubt in your mind, simply take Michael's advice, and say, "The Lord rebuke You and let God deal with him instead.

No comments: